There's a Story Behind This Dress...

While wandering around the mall two weeks ago, I came across a dress that I loved not only for the way it looked but for the way it fit. The fact that I actually wanted to purchase it was a exceptional because I infrequently buy formal clothing; I have very little need for dress pants, skirts or dresses. (Far in the future, after I get my degree, I'd like to make a trip to Brooks Brothers, though.) Anyway, the dress ended up being a little pricey and I restrained myself from buying it at that moment.

Later in the evening, I was on the store's website and found that the same dress was much cheaper online; I decided to go ahead and buy it. Aside from the protective cover that I ordered for my iPod a few months ago, this was the first thing I had purchased online the whole year. The order was placed quickly and I received a confirmation e-mail almost immediately. This e-mail had a link through which I could track the package. When I checked the link the following morning, it indicated that the package would arrive around Monday, August 3rd. Hooray.

Well, Monday the 3rd eventually arrived, and I didn't receive the package that day. This really didn't concern me at the time. However, when my dress didn't arrive the next day, I got a little frustrated. I checked the tracking link that evening (Tuesday night) only to discover that, apparently, the package had been delivered on the previous Friday around noon. WTF? There was definitely not a package at my apartment on Friday; in fact, I was at my residence shortly after the supposed arrival of the package. I was thoroughly confused. Thus began this ridiculous FedEx debacle that I've been dealing with for days. Here's what has happened:

1. When I learned that the dress had been delivered last Friday, I tried to get a delivery confirmation. The FedEx website told me that I couldn't get one on account of the type of shipping. Huh? At this point, I was really pissed off (ask my roommate), so I went to bed.
   
   
2. On Wednesday, I went back online to the FedEx website to submit a claim. In order to do so, I had to register on FedEx.com, which was a magnificent waste of time. The claim process took at least half an hour, as I had to gather all the information about the manufacturer, the cost of the dress, the shipping costs, etc., etc. Wonderful. The final part of the online claims process involved attaching the following supporting documents: the order confirmation e-mail from The Limited (company from which I ordered the dress), the tracking and shipping information from FedEx, and the claim confirmation. All of these had to be submitted before FedEx would even review the claim. Before I could attach the documents, the website logged me out because I had been idle for an entire three minutes or so. Fuck. At this point I was about to toss my Dell across the room, so I gave it up again for the day.
   
   
3. Thursday arrived. I had cooled down enough by that point to try the whole claims process one more time. When I logged into FedEx.com and found what I was looking for, I lost my patience rather quickly--it turned out that I had to resubmit all the information that I typed in the day before. I proceeded to do so, being extremely annoyed in the process. When I had finished and was yet again at the 'Attach Supporting Documents' stage, FedEx.com informed me that it had already received a claim under that tracking number. Grrrrrrr. I managed to somehow make it to the correct place on the website at which I could finally attach the docs. I needed only to input the tracking number and the shipping date, and the website would supposedly pull up the claim that I had submitted on the previous day. The tracking number was entered. The shipping date was entered. FedEx.com did not like this information, as it informed me that the entered tracking number was invalid. At this point, I decided that FedEx.com was about as useful as an able-bodied 20-year-old welfare recipient from Greasy Creek.
   
   
4. I called FedEx hoping to speak with someone with an IQ at least in the double digits who could inform me of what I needed to do to remedy the situation. The friendly lady on the phone asked for my first and last name along with the tracking number for the shipment. She told me that, because of the tracking number, there was nothing she could do for me; apparently, my type of shipment was dealt with through a separate entity of FedEx. "You need to call the FedEx SmartPost hotline," she said in her best sorority girl voice. I thanked her and ended the conversation despite my urge to unleash a violent string of obscenities upon her. After all, it wasn't her fault that FedEx was ruining my day.
   
   
5. I called the SmartPost hotline. Due to the high volume of customer calls (I can't possibly imagine why this would have been the case), I was unable to speak with anyone. I didn't even get the luxury of being able to listen to craptastic muzak while waiting to converse with (or yell at) an employee. Moreover, unless I pressed certain buttons on my phone while waiting, I would be automatically disconnected from the call. This happened four times. Unbelievable, right? It didn't stop there.
   
   
6. I sent a rather opinionated and lengthy (yet tame) e-mail to The Limited on Thursday evening informing them of everything that had happened since the dress order was placed. Friday rolled around and I received an e-mail back from the company. I was naive to think that putting time and effort into fully explaining the situation would earn me anything other than an unhelpful and aggravating cookie cutter response, which is exactly what I received. The e-mail informed me that I would have to deal with the issue at my local post office.
   

I did nothing about this matter today; I found it better for my peace of mind to devote my time to activities that, upon their completion, would actually result in some sort of evident benefit. I've cleaned, done several loads of laundry, and studied Latin and Greek at Starbucks. Yesterday, while walking by a boutique, I spotted a dress that really caught my eye primarily because of its design and bold colors. It was unlike anything I'd ever owned. I tried it on; surprisingly, I liked it even more than the one that I had been so eagerly expecting to arrive at my doorstep. I decided to buy this colorful dress and, as is evident from the above picture, I've already gotten some usage out of it. What a funny thing: I would have never considered buying this new dress if FedEx had delivered a certain package like it was supposed to do. I'll get more usage out of this new one, and I positively love it. I suppose good things can indeed come out of frustrating situations.

In other news, I've found an LSAT study partner. He's very intelligent and diligent, among other things. Although I usually prefer to study solo, I enjoy to occasionally have someone within close proximity who can offer not only motivation but good company; this makes the process of studying a little easier to bear. I certainly have enough work to do during the next two weeks before classes begin. It helps that I've been able to go to my coffee shops this week without being so uncomfortable that I have the urge to run out the door or vomit. With the exception of the dress debacle, this is the best week that I've had in quite awhile. I hope it stays that way.

On the off chance that my package was stolen from my doorstep, I have a message for the ladies of Saddlebrook: good luck fitting your asses in a size 0. Thanks.

My Palce in the Bioshpere Consist of Poluting Enviorment and Chatering Only to I

In order for this post to make much sense, it's necessary for me to give a little bit of background information. During my freshman year of college, I enrolled in a human ecology course. At the beginning of the same semester, I also signed up for astronomy and physics; it was a science-intensive four months, but I truly enjoyed it. For about three weeks during my freshman year, I even seriously considered taking the physics route for my degree before I realized that I just had an irrational fondness for the Chemistry-Physics Building and certain individuals within it.  Anyway, this ecology course was particularly interesting from day one on account of a few factors: first, there existed that class dynamic that's created only when students from all academic interests converge upon a single classroom; secondly, the professor, whom I'll just refer to as Dr. G, had never taught this course before, as he had been instructing only upper-level biology classes. The latter fact made it necessary for the unfortunate Dr. G to dumb down the course material, lest his inability to do so result in 200+ irate students with grades worthy of nothing more than a swift kick in the ass. Needless to say, BIO 103 in spring '05 was a bit of a clusterfuck. Hence the resulting moments of priceless entertainment.
A portion of each student's grade in the class was earned through the completion of four or five short writing assignments related to lecture materials. At this point it would be appropriate to remind my readers that, at the time of this biology class, I was still very insecure about my writing skills. I graduated from the (supposedly) best high school in eastern Kentucky; that's wonderful and everything, but the education standards in Pike-vuhl and surrounding locales are not exactly top-notch.  (Diane Sawyer, I'd still like you to spend some quality time floating down the Big Sandy River unarmed for a few days so that you'd get lucky and come across one of those Mountain Dew-drinking toothless rednecks whom you insulted in your documentary. Thanks for giving some befuddled, ignorant Yankees yet another reason to ask me how in the hell I escaped from the clutches of my incestuous family.)
Knowing that I would be competing with students from schools such as Lexington Catholic frightened me, and my assumption was that I would have lots of work to do before I could count myself among the ranks of gifted students. When time came for these writing assignments, however, I quickly learned that I didn't need to despair too much about my ability (or lack thereof) to construct logical sentences using decent grammar. Dr. G would always compile students' responses to the writing assignments in the form of a PDF document and post the documents on the course website for all to read. After being thoroughly amused and even shocked by some of the responses in these first PDFs, I decided to save the final writing assignment feedback onto my computer.  It was literary treasure, but I quickly forgot all about it.
...Until I rediscovered it earlier this week when transferring all the documents from my old computer. I think I got even more enjoyment from reading it the second time around. Let me get to the funny stuff here. The topic of the writing post was this: Identify the essence of the human species, and explain our place in the biosphere. If you care to, predict our fate. Brevity is a virtue, try for <100 words.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here are some of the golden responses and my two cents about each one:

• [Excerpt] Brevity is the duration of time and is used to predict the brevity of human life. WTF? Dr. G just wanted you to keep your response short, fool. 
• Humans are the most primitive species in the biosphere. We are hunters and gatherers, we adapt to our environment. We are the only species that has a language. We are also the only species to use technology. If the speciation pattern of the past continues, it is likely that the Homo Sapiens will diverge into new species and possibly become extinct. This student obviously missed out on some basic ANT 101. If I'm not mistaken, human populations began slowly deserting the whole hunter-gatherer lifestyle about twelve thousand years ago when agriculture started developing independently in different parts of the world. Hunter-gatherers do still exist, yes, but in very small numbers. Perhaps this particular student hunted campus squirrels and maintained a self-sufficient lifestyle somewhere around the university, proudly displaying the severed heads of nutjob campus ministers outside his dwelling. That would be incredible. Also: we're the most primitive species but the only one with language and technology? Huh? And, no, Homo Sapiens will not diverge into a new species unless we completely isolate part of the population and let the processes of speciation occur over thousands upon thousands of years. Not likely. 
• The essence of the human species is a very complicated thing to explain. We were placed in the biosphere to serve God and spread his gospel. Many people nowdays remain faithful and religious, however, it was in ancient times that our true essence to follow Christ was revealed. That was a time when all people believed and were followers of the Lord. We are here in protect the words of the Lord and to inform all people of the right way of life. Our faith does not need to be predicted because it is written in the chapter of Revelations in the Bible. The people who believe in the Lord will spend eternity in heaven while the nonbelievers and sinners will go to hell. I'm going to hell. 
• The essence of the human species is that we can not be replicated. Other species cannot talk and go about doing the things that we can do. For example, we can use our thumb as a means to grasps objects and use our hands in ways that if we didn't have a thumb we couldn't do that. and without us in the biosphere, the world deteriorate. Because we keep the cycle of Conover and herbivores balanced.the fate of human beings lie with how we treat our universe for the next century if we don't respect it and we keep polluting it then our fate will be the same as our universes. Dr. G should have considered letting one of the astronomy professors lecture to his own BIO 103 students. The Omniores here on Earf are not really affecting much in the grand scheme of the universe. 
• [Excerpt] Since homosapiens are the oldest fossil, dating back 160,000 years I believe that humans have been around for along time and unless God does not want that anymore we will be around for a very long time. I iz not a fossil. 
• Out of all of the diverse organisms that live in the biosphere. Humans by far have the most dramatic effect on it. wether it be buring of fossil fuels, mining, or scarafication when farming, we greatly alter our biosphere. this is also very concerning because humans is one of the youngest species. As humans we are likely to cause our own extinction. I agree with the first statement (the initial two sentences were meant to be a single one, I assume), but the rest is funny. Humans is one of the youngest species; likewise, these crackers is good. 
• we are here to dominate the earth and have fun doing. ill be very mad if they do not let me drive my sports cars around (Nissan 240sx and MBG) due to air pollution. i predict we are gonna do something stupid and blow our selves up. If all world leaders had this student's mental capacity, I could see the whole self-destruction scenario being a totally legitimate possibility.

You get the idea. I may continue with this post at a later date, as I have many more hilarious responses to share, but I think this is enough for the time being. All jokes aside, the general lack of proper grammar and coherency exhibited in these statements is pretty bothersome to me. While I don't think it's necessary for all college students (particularly those who are not required to write much for their particular majors) to be superb writers, I think it's a little shameful that our education system can't seem to successfully inculcate even the most basic of grammar concepts into students who are rapidly approaching the time when they'll be thrown into the chaos that characterizes college and the "real world." To make the matter worse, it's obvious that the general public and even some institutions of higher education are way too lax and nonchalant when it comes to the utilization of proper English grammar and spelling. One word, America: IMPROVE!