The Mountain Parkway
I told myself about two months ago that I would try to update my blog more regularly. Epic fail. Anyway, life has been going rather well. I was pleased with all of my final grades except one (my fault entirely), and I've gotten to relax quite a bit--too much, actually--over break. I didn't begin my holiday shopping until the 23rd of December, which is actually pretty normal for me. Trying to coordinate Christmas shopping with family members is always nearly impossible until my brothers and I get a break, and that usually doesn't happen for all three of us until a few days before Christmas. Hence I am always obligated to brave the crowds of frantic, last-minute shoppers. This year, the Christmas music was almost too much for me to handle; I even thought about bringing my iPod along with me. Even if I looked slightly odd walking around Macy's with earbuds, it would sure as hell beat listening to the same holiday songs for the two hundredth time. At any rate, Christmas and New Year's were both nice. I've always enjoyed Christmas, as it's the one time of the year that I can really relax and take a step back from school and the stresses in life.
Speaking of stressful things in my life, I've been thinking a lot (that's an understatement) in the past few weeks about my graduate school direction, and I've finally made a decision: law school. This was one of the hardest life decisions that I've had to make, and I can't count the number of times that I've flip-flopped between law school and the M.A. program. This whole experience of being totally indecisive was very strange for me, because I always assumed that I wouldn't have any trouble picking a career. Despite the fact that I entered college clueless in terms of what I wanted to do with my life, I figured that I would know for certain once I was almost ready to graduate. How wrong I was! The stress and the pressure of making up my mind was very intense.
I love studying Greek and Latin; if I wanted to, I know that I could do some good things with both of these languages. Part of the reason why I did well in my language courses is because I'm a perfectionist, and the manner in which I went about learning Greek and Latin grammar allowed me to go a little crazy with my rulers and flash cards. Ultimately, though, I found that I truly enjoyed what I was learning, and I think few things in life are better than realizing new passions. That same passion I discovered five years ago hasn't necessarily disappeared, but I think it has diminished. Perhaps I am simply a little exhausted from having to hang around UK in undergraduate mode for this long, or maybe my perfectionism finally took its toll. Regardless, here are the things that terrify me about the M.A.:
- I always feel like my knowledge in both languages isn't sufficient, even though I've worked very hard. I understand that the whole point of a graduate degree is to gain further knowledge and understanding in a particular area, and that professors don't expect student to enter knowing more than they do. However, when I think about many current (and former) M.A. students, I still feel as if many of them entered the program with a really solid language background--one that is better than what I possess. Which brings me to another point...
- I didn't have the luxury of attending a high school that offered Latin courses. That might sound completely irrelevant, but I think that it matters. I was speaking with a freshman classics major at UK a few weeks ago, and he was telling me, among other things, about his AP Latin Literature exam and the credits he earned upon entering UK. He's already in a Latin literature course, and that's really great. By the time he graduates, he'll have a ton of practice. I wish I'd had that opportunity. It would have allowed me some extra Latin practice, and my bad year of college wouldn't have been as much of a setback. (On a side note: it's rather annoying/funny when kids from large cities and/or exceptional schools just assume that every high school in America offers three or four language courses. Some people are shocked when I tell them that my school offered only Spanish. Yes, it happens.)
- My recent anxiety attacks/ridiculous shyness episodes in my undergraduate Greek class make me wonder if I'm ready for Greek class with graduate students and a more difficult professor. Heart attack? There were no issues until a few weeks before the semester ended, and then it was difficult for me not to get super nervous in class. I have no idea why this happened, but I sure as hell hope it goes away, because I don't think it'd fly with graduate professors.
- Teaching--I don't know if I would make a good teacher, and that is most likely what I would do with a M.A. or a Ph.D. I've tutored people in the past, and it always went really well, but I know there's a difference between tutoring a few individuals and teaching thirty students in a class. Public speaking tops my list of morbid fears, and so the idea of instructing students or colleagues (cringe!) is very unnerving... terrifying, actually.
- My interactions with some particular classicists has, um, made me question whether or not I'm really cut out for this stuff. Some of them--two professors in particular--have been extremely helpful, insightful and supportive. Anyone who is close to me knows that I come from a family of lawyers, not a family of professors or teachers. When I first came to Kentucky, I had very few people with whom I could speak about getting a Ph.D. and teaching at a university. Luckily, I gradually encountered many professors and students who were willing to share their experiences (good and bad) with me. I'm so thankful for that. However, a few people (including some who were my classics role models), really disappointed me; they did nothing but ultimately help deter me from pursuing a M.A. Thanks, assholes!
