Perfectionism: the Ability to Turn Any Item Within Reach into a Straightedge

I am somewhat of a perfectionist, and I've known this fact for quite awhile now. It has only been recently that my perfectionism seems to have taken a stronger hold than usual, to the point where it has interfered with my productivity and efficiency in general. It seems as if many people who aren't pefectionists look upon those who are with some kind of awe and fascination, while others just find it rather amusing. Numerous people have commented on my organizational skills, on my attention to detail, and even on my handwriting. While I appreciate these positive comments, I also sometimes wish people would realize that being a perfectionist does not guarantee infallibility. To the contrary, my personal experience with chasing perfection has led me to waste tons of time that should have been spent more wisely; in the worst cases it has resulted in idleness, as I became so overwhelmed and frustrated with getting things "just right" that I decided that nothing I accomplished would ever be as thorough, complete, or acceptable as it needed to be.

I've no clue as to why I'm a perfectionist, but I know that I've been this way since I was a young child. One vivid memory I have that is relevant to this post is from the few months during which I lived in Vermont; I must have been either 8 or 9 years old at the time. My third grade teacher had assigned a project that involved each student constructing his or her own board game. Initially, the idea was very exciting to me--what third grader wouldn't want to make a game? Once I had purchased some foam board and began working, however, I became frustrated quickly. I was using a ruler in an attempt to make my lines for the board spaces as straight as possible, but they always looked crooked to me after I had drawn them. I completely started over several times and distinctly remember not being satisfied with the final product, although I received many compliments on it. That's a key thing about my perfectionism--if I'm not satisfied with the end results of my undertakings, favorable feedback from others rarely makes me feel any better. My striving for flawlessness is not a conscious effort to appease everyone else or improve my reputation. Unattainable as it often has been, my main goal in all my endeavors is personal satisfaction; often, the only way to achieve this is through my completion of impeccable work.

I've developed some really peculiar habits related to my perfectionism. Some of them make some sense, while others are just rather laughable:

• I have a huge issue with mediocrity. Strangely enough, though, I'd rather hand in a complete piece of shit than something better yet still mediocre. The all-or-nothing stance I've adopted when it comes to course work in particular has sometimes been really beneficial in terms of grades, but it has had its share of negative effects. Over the course of my crap year of college (most definitely the bane of my existence at this point), I eventually got to the point where I could perform only at a mediocre level, so I opted to give up completely. What a horrid decision that was! This was particularly confusing for my professors; they had seen what I could accomplish while in class, but I suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. I wish I could get over this problem and realize that there will probably be points in my education (graduate school in particular) when it won't be practical or even possible to perform at 100%.

• Whenever I do homework that involves writing, I absolutely must have a ruler or some kind of straightedge close to me. There are about five rulers in my backback because everytime I would misplace one of them, I'd simply go buy a new one. By the way, I have an uncanny ability to turn just about anything into a straightedge--my favorite items include credit cards, bookmarks and CD holders. I underline lots of things in my notes, including exercise numbers, titles of grammar sections, and important points. The crookedness of a line drawn by hand makes me genuinely uncomfortable in a way that's hard to even describe. Also, since I write notes only with pens now (I used to write with mechanical pencils but am so heavy-handed that my writing would always smudge), I have to have corrector tape with me. Sloth will overcome me if these two things are not at hand. Pathetic, no? Funny, yes?
  
  
• I'm very much a perfectionist when it comes to writing, and I'm well aware that my writing skills are not nearly at the level that I ultimately wish them to be. I picked up a very good English grammar reference book sometime last summer and I intend to actually read through the whole thing (all-or-nothing, remember?). I feel as though good writing skills are nothing short of essential, particularly for people who are required to write as part of their careers. I view my writing as a true reflection of my ability, intelligence, and desire to produce works of reputable quality. In related news, I was driving on 75 the other day when a random thought entered my head: 'Did I misspell the word gentlemen in the context of my Kitteh post?!' For some reason, I thought I had spelled it with an a instead of an e, and it took everything in my power to not call one of my buddies and have him check it out immediately. Restraint, restraint....
  
  
• Index cards have always been a favorite organizational and educational tool of mine. Lately, I've taken a liking to colored cards (pastels and neons, yay). When I begin Intermediate Greek in the fall, I'm going to use one particular color for every chapter in the book; this will be really exciting for me. I'm immensely bothered by the fact that my index cards from last year often include two or three different colors of cards for every chapter. What in the world was I thinking? Sigh...

Anyone who actually reads this post now perhaps thinks I'm a little nutty; that's okay, I accepted that a long time ago. Enemies and assholes now possess new knowledge about how to make my life more difficult--I better guard my rulers and corrector tapes from now on. Oh well. The picture from the top, by the way, is part of a drawing I did for a geometry class during my sophomore year of high school. See, I always loved rulers!

One more note: I have the perfect topic for my next blog post, and it relates to a PDF document that I found on my old laptop. I won't disclose too much about it at this point other than to say that these 45 pages of unintended entertainment had me laughing quite hysterically for several minutes. It will take some time for me to scan through the whole thing and pick out the best material for a blog post. Get ready!

I've Alwayz Liked Kittehs: Kittehs R Better Than Most Hoomans!

I came across this picture a few weeks ago when, in a successful attempt to prolong my weekend and temporarily forget about Medieval Law paper #2 that had been looming over my head during days prior, I decided to rummage through my old photo box and scan some images onto my computer. This was one of only two or three pictures that were from my very early years; most were from high school and my first two years of college.

This photograph makes me smile for a few reasons: first, my outfit is hysterical, but rather cute, I suppose (turtlenecks were a favorite of mine, apparently); secondly, the cat that I'm petting in the picture belonged to my grandmother, who lived next door to me when I lived in Pikeville, and she was very fond of this calico cat named Patches; lastly, although I don't remember the photo being taken, I remember many things about the house that I lived in at the time, including the front deck and the slight amount of landscaping around it. My haircut was just funny-looking.

On a related note, although I've had minimal exposure to small children during my lifetime and tend to shy away from kids in general, I've always taken note of the carefree attitude that most children exhibit, and I think it's entertaining to observe. Many children seem fascinated by the smallest things and are eager to absorb knowledge about everything around them. I sometimes wish I were still that easily entertained and enthusiastic about life in general. My adult years have made me really appreciate my carefree childhood days of shaggy hair and turtlenecks; if only I could rekindle that youthful zeal for knowledge and apply it to my neglected Latin and Greek studies, perhaps I could successfully complete my upcoming semester without having a mental breakdown. A girl can wish, right?

I've had trouble thinking of a particular topic to write about, so I'm just going to ramble a little bit about various things on my mind. Maybe I'll elaborate upon one of the following points in a future post, dependent upon what my devoted readers (all five of you) have to say.

• I'm already very nervous about the upcoming semester. I'll be in third semester Greek, which shouldn't be too bad, but I'll also be in Latin Lit and/or Latin Prose. I think many people overestimate my fondness for Latin; it used to excite me, but I enjoy Greek so much more at this point that it has been very difficult to get my Latin back to any sort of reading fluency. I need to remedy this by the third week of August or so. Wonderful. On top of all this, I'll be working for my mother part-time, retaking the LSAT (screw you, June test) in September, and trying to fit in the GRE somewhere in the midst of the insanity. I just want to get the hell out of undergrad--I'm sick of it and irritated that I'm not already in graduate school.

• Career anxiety, round 3849427: although I've taken the LSAT, I have not decided 100% upon attending law school. I do not want to give up Classics completely; I'm trying to locate universities that could possibly work with me to set up a 4-year J.D./M.A. degree, which would be amazing. Duke is the only school that I know of in this region that directly offers a joint J.D./M.A in Classics, and I'm not exactly expecting to get into Duke. I've been told that I would hate it anyway.

• I've been having bouts of depression lately, which terrifies me. I've done so much to repair the damage done during my year-long depression while a junior at UK; I even got a 4.0 last semester. Regardless, by the final weeks of last semester, I felt like I was slipping back into that black place which I'll occasionally go for days or even weeks at a time. I've got some ideas as to why my melancholy state of mind returned at a most inopportune time, but those are wholly unnecessary to elaborate. I'll only say the following: I've accepted the fact that on-and-off depression is a problem that I'll probably have to deal with for many years, and I'll handle it as best I know how. I've also learned that I need to be more careful about whom I let into my life, as jerks who hurt my feelings can apparently trigger a lot of intense sadness for me. I often wish I were one of those rather ridiculous-sounding people who seem to radiate sunshine from every bodily orifice and who know no sadness. Then I remember that these "lucky" individuals are usually too delusional about the unfortunate realities of life, in my opinion. I think I'd rather stay occasionally depressed and chuckle at people who are blissfully ignorant and who tend to take their personal unfamiliarity with mental health issues for granted.

• As of late, I have really valued my alone time. Although I enjoy socializing every now and then, I tend to be pretty insular. This is actually a quality I've had for years. I've gotten into the habit of avoiding places that are insanely crowded. Walks have occupied a lot of my time lately; I took a 6-mile walk around the campus area this week when looking for a new apartment, and I really enjoyed myself. It was the perfect opportunity for me to sort out some issues in my head while taking advantage of a beautiful, sunny day (Lexington has seen too much rain lately). Now, if only I could learn how to glare at strangers in coffee shops so as to let them know that I am not interested in chatting about inconsequential things such as their "sick" freestyle rap ability or their night job as a part-time male exotic dancer. ...Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new blog topic, perhaps...