Attack of the Prostitots!

So, have you ever gone through one of your old yearbooks and cringed when you saw your school picture? Yes, there's a good chance that you probably looked like a magnificent dork if you judge by the fashion standards you hold now. Don't worry. You're definitely not alone, as it's pretty much guaranteed that the majority of your fellow 7th graders didn't necessarily give a damn for being "in style" for their school pictures. Yeah, it's a guarantee that there were always at least a few of those individuals who woke up at some ungodly hour to put on their $200 outfits and spend half an hour putting layer after layer of makeup on their faces, but they were most likely the exception; let's pretend they don't exist. It's better for our egos.

Most of us are familiar with that hilarious I-just-grabbed-the-closest-thing-and-put-it-on look that is rampant in elementary and junior high yearbooks: the mismatched colors, the semi-greasy hair, the enormous scrunciis and headbands, brands of clothes we totally forgot existed, or (for the girls) even a little hint of some ridiculous color of eyeshadow or lipstick that you thought looked pretty incredible at the time.... thought being the operative word here. Anyway, despite how hilarious those old pictures might be to you now, I'd venture to say having a nonchalant attitude about fashion is the right mindset for one to have at that point in his or her life; it's not my belief that a 12-year-old needs to be overly concerned with his or her appearance and/or clothes. Looking back on my junior high years, I'm still glad that I wasn't worried about staying fashionable or looking "hott" or whatever the hell you call it these days. Those were some of the last years of my life that I could afford to be generally carefree. I didn't wear much makeup or buy clothes very often. I simply took showers in the morning, threw on some clean clothes and went off to "skoo" (Pike-VUHL vernacular) to waste another seven hours of my life.

Times are changing. Today, there is a new type of junior high girl emerging, one that actually gives a f*** about her public appearance. These "prostitots" are easily observable to the naked eye. A prostitot possesses, but is not limited to, the following qualities:

1. She wears Ugg boots; usually, her skinny jeans or Pink sweatpants are tucked into them. I won't even start on Ugg boots other than to say that certain varieties look like someone took a furry animal, beat it to death, and, from its fur, made some sort of monstrosity resembling boots. How fashionable. I for one have seen those Ugg boots with the two furry balls on strings attached to them. What are the manufacturers going for here? I can't fathom the answer to this question; perhaps it's simply beyond my fashion comprehension.
2. This girl is so damn orange... I mean tanned that I can barely differentiate between her nose/mouth area and the rest of her face, as everything just kind of blends in. Is she really Caucasian at all? By the way, this girl is in fact so crispy-burnt that she can actually emit cancerous UV rays.
3. She wears mini skirts and shorts so short that you can actually see her butt cheeks when she walks. This is definitely attractive to those hott college boys. Did I say that? I meant to say convicted child sex offenders.
4. Her $250 Dooney & Bourke purse looks as though it was decorated by someone on an acid trip. Oh well. She feels pretty cool about the whole situation because she knows the "LV LV LV LV" plastered repetitively across her best friend's purse indicates nothing other than genuine Louis Vuitton. I mean, c'mon, unless you have one of those really unique looking things, you just aren't cool enough to be spoken to.
5. She's in a competition with the ladies at the makeup counters in the mall to see how many layers of full makeup she can put on her face without it all sliding off into a pile of goo. Foundation, undereye concealer, concealer, lipstick, lipliner, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, and bronzer are all piled on her face in a very scary manner that makes her look a little bit like a clown.
6. She's a regular fashion model, representin' for all the "cool" brands. Abercrombie, abercrombie (there's a damn difference people, c'mon!), Hoe-llister, Polo, etc...
7. If her cell phone rings, god forbid if everyone in a fifty foot vicinity can't hear about the life-or-death conversation between her and her boy toy about their respective plans to get rides to the movies that night. Parents will drive them, of course, since these spoiled brats still have a few years to go until driver's licenses. Before answering, the prostitot absolutely must let the phone ring a few times on the "loud" setting so that everyone will know that she owns a cell phone.

The absolute best thing about all this ridiculousness is that these girls aren't fooling anyone with a brain. Despite the makeup, the clothes, the purses, the Ugg boots, etc., etc., they still look like 12-year-olds who invaded their older sisters' wardrobes. I can't help but wonder about these girls' parents a little bit. Most of them obviously don't have a problem with blowing hundreds of dollars on their daughters' wardrobes to keep them "in style," but do they realize that some of these girls go out in public looking a little like child whores? Needless to say, there are some very perverted individuals roaming around out there. I would not for one second allow my young daughter to dress in such a way that would invite extra attention from weirdos.

I don't get it!